Season 2, Episode 9

What We Should Absolutely Never Do in the Shadows

Content Warnings:

-Talk of police
-Grave robbing
-Past animal attack

[Christine’s car, morning. She and Victor sit in silence for a long time as she drives]

CHRISTINE

...You’re lucky, you know.

VICTOR

I know.

CHRISTINE

Most people wouldn’t have gotten off so easily.

VICTOR

I know.

CHRISTINE

Especially with your record--

VICTOR

I know, okay?! Can we just drop it?!

CHRISTINE

No, I don’t think we can. I worked way past closing last night, I was all excited that I’d get to sleep in, but whoops! Here comes a call at seven in the morning, telling me I need to pick you up from the police station. And you’re getting dirt on my seat. So sorry if I’m a little grumpy, but I’d like to talk about it. 

VICTOR

There’s nothing to talk about!

CHRISTINE

You know, I’ve heard a lot of bullshit from you, but that’s taking it to a whole other level.

VICTOR

All right! I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you wanna hear?

[Beat as the car slows and pulls into Victor’s driveway]

Wait, why’s Henry-- Oh God, you didn’t tell him did you?

[The car door is immediately thrown open. Christine turns off the car]

HENRY

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

VICTOR

Good morning to you, too.

HENRY

Shut up. What the hell were you thinking?!

VICTOR

Henry, you’re gonna wake people up--

HENRY

Oh no, what a fucking nightmare, I piss off some dumb rich white people! Do you have any idea--

VICTOR

Jesus Christ.

HENRY

Oh! Oh, yeah, “Jesus Christ”, I’m the one being so fucking unreasonable here! Well, in case you haven’t noticed, dipshit, I’m not the one who just got arrested for desecrating a grave!

VICTOR

Look, it’s not like I just decided to do it for no reason! I’ve been weighing the possibilities of several different theories--

HENRY

Dude, would you just shut up for once in your goddamn life! You could’ve been sent to prison, you know that?! 

VICTOR

But I wasn’t.

HENRY

Because they think you’re crazy!

VICTOR

[Distressed]

Please don’t call me that!

[There is a long beat]

HENRY

[Softer]

Look at me. Victor, look at me. You are the most important person in the world to me, you know that. So please believe that I only want what’s best for you when I say that you need help.

VICTOR

I’m getting help. And a whole lotta good that’s done, hasn’t it? ...Look, if-- If you’re right, if I’m-- [He cuts himself off, takes a breath] Then why was there no body?

HENRY

What?

VICTOR

Justine’s body wasn’t in the casket.

CHRISTINE

...Victor, yes it was.

VICTOR

Wh-- No, no, I-- I looked, she--

CHRISTINE

Officer Javert said the police looked inside to make sure you didn’t take anything. That’s how you got away without another felony charge. Nothing stolen, body still intact.

VICTOR

That’s…. No, they-- They lied, then, that’s--

CHRISTINE

You really think they’d do that?

VICTOR

Maybe! Or-- No, there’s something else going on. Just what I need, more paranormal bullshit! Wonderful! Thanks, mom! Glad I got to inherit your shitshow so I can watch my already crumbling, sorry excuse for a life get torn apart even more by--
[Henry hits him with his cane]
Ow!

HENRY

[Firm, but kind]

Stop. Breathe. Victor, God knows I wanna just take what you’re saying at face value. But you need to listen to yourself. And us. I’m not ruling out the possibility that something weird’s going on. I’m just saying, we need to really think about it before we say that’s for sure what it is.

VICTOR

So you think I’m crazy, too.

HENRY

I never said that.

VICTOR

But you meant it. I’m not stupid. I’m not asking you guys to take everything I say as gospel without questioning anything, I’m just asking that you listen to me, because sometimes I do know what the heck I’m talking about, and if I can’t count on you two to at least hear me out, then I’m fucked, because I have no one else, and I am scared, okay?! We have gotten nowhere! We’re just as clueless as when we started, and yeah, all right, I did something dumb, but can you blame me?! This, all of this, it is all I have! No family, no secondary education, no job--

CHRISTINE

Job? But you--

VICTOR

I got fired! Three weeks ago! A nice combo of missed time, sleep deprivation-fueled screw-ups, and being generally unpleasant to be around! 

HENRY

Why didn’t you say anything?

VICTOR

Because you guys worry! You-- You sit there, and you worry about me constantly, and I don’t need to put either of you through any more than I already have!

DAN

[A bit far off]

Everything okay over here? 

VICTOR

You’ve gotta be kidding me…. Yeah, sorry, hope we weren’t being too loud.

DAN

[Closer now]

I think I’ve gotten used to the neighborhood getting loud from time to time over the years. Morning, boys. Christine.

HENRY

Hey, Dan.

CHRISTINE

[Forcing cheerfulness]

Morning!

DAN

Victor, mind if I have a word with you in private?

VICTOR

I-- Okay…?

HENRY

Meetcha inside.

CHRISTINE

Yeah, we’ve still gotta talk.

[The front door of Victor’s house opens and shuts]

DAN

Now. Do you wanna tell me why you look like you were lying face-down in the dirt all night?

VICTOR

...I tripped.

DAN

Should I be skipping the police logs in today’s paper?

[Victor is silent]

Sit down, son, you look exhausted. When was the last time you got a good night’s sleep?

VICTOR

I don’t….

DAN

Think it’s about time you fix that?

VICTOR

No. No, I-- Sleeping doesn’t…. Well, it doesn’t really agree with me much these days. 

DAN

What do you mean by that?

VICTOR

...I get nightmares. Ever since the whole incident in college. I…. I focus on my work. Sleep as little as I can while still managing to stay on my feet. It’s not healthy, I know. But… anything’s better than watching them die again every night. Even if I deserve the reminders. I-- God, sorry, I’m rambling, you don’t wanna hear this.

DAN

...Remember, when you three were kids? Couldn’t have been older than seven. You were off playing in my woods doing something or other when it started to get dark. That’s when I hear you all shouting, so I come out to check and make sure everything’s okay. And there you are, covered in blood and scratches, with Elliot and Henry on either side of you scared pissless. Then I noticed the kitten you were clutching to your chest. Fisher cat was attacking it, you said. Fought the thing off, knowing there was a good chance you wouldn’t win the fight. Your mother asked you in the hospital why you’d do that, and you remember what you said? “Why wouldn’t I?” Most everything healed up fine, save the scar on your lip, of course. And you saved that kitten’s life, no doubt. Even at that age, you put your life at risk to protect someone who couldn’t protect himself. So listen to me, Victor. God knows you’ve been dealt a bad hand. You’ve been through more in the past few years than anyone should ever have to deal with in their entire life. But believe me, son, when I say that you’re not a bad person. And you don’t deserve the pain you’ve been put through. And no matter what happens, no matter how many mistakes get made along the way, those two inside? They love you, Victor. And that’s the most important thing a man can have in this world. Love. Romantic, platonic, familial, it makes no difference. You have love, and you can face anything.

VICTOR

[He gives a small, sad laugh]

What I’m up against, I don’t think I’m gonna take it down with the power of love, Dan.

DAN

Couldn’t hurt to give it a shot though, could it? Tell you what. I want you to come by around six tonight, okay? I’ll make some pizokel, you and I are going to have dinner. I’m not taking no for an answer. 

VICTOR

[Another laugh, this one a touch more genuine]

Okay, deal.

DAN

Good. For now, spend some time with your friends. Get some rest. Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. 

[A few seconds of silence as Dan leaves, then Victor enters his house]

VICTOR

Okay, I’ve calmed down now.

CHRISTINE

Us too.

HENRY

Now let’s talk about this like grownups. Tell us about your theories.

VICTOR

Well, it-- it’s really just one. Yesterday at therapy, this guy showed up. He wouldn’t tell us his name, but he’s-- He hunts things. Him and his… Not mom? I dunno, it was weird. He was weird. Anyway, that got me thinking about the VHS and Vordenberg and--

[He takes a breath and gathers his thoughts]

I think Justine is a vampire.

HENRY

...I’m sorry, what?

VICTOR

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Her voice on the radio, her body not being there when I checked but showing back up in the morning? 

CHRISTINE

That’s a big conclusion to jump to, Victor.

VICTOR

You guys got any better ideas?

[Beat.]

HENRY

Okay, so for the sake of argument, let’s say you’re right. Justine is a vampire, and she’s sneaking out of her grave and doing God knows what every night. Why does that have to concern us?

VICTOR

I dunno, I just think it’s pretty dang coincidental that we get a tape where my mom stabs some vampire guy and all of a sudden this happens. There’s gotta be some connection here.

CHRISTINE

And if there is? Then what? 

VICTOR

I mean-- If she’s hurting people, then obviously we stop her.

HENRY

...And are you prepared to do that if it comes down to it?

[Victor is silent]

Let’s not jump the gun on anything, okay? You guys have both had a long night. I don’t think it’ll be the end of the world if we wait until tomorrow to talk about it.

CHRISTINE

Go get cleaned up. I’m making the executive decision to crash on your couch for an hour or two.

VICTOR

That’s fair.

CHRISTINE

You should probably get some sleep, too. 

VICTOR

No, I…. I’m just gonna make a coffee.