Season 1, Episode 6

Step by Step

[Walton’s office. The scene begins with a recording from several years ago, taking place in Victor’s bedroom.]

VICTOR

...How’re we feeling about this?

HENRY

You look fantastic.

VICTOR

I don’t know, maybe-- Maybe I should just stick with the dress.

HENRY

Do you want to wear the dress?

VICTOR

Well, no, but--

HENRY

Then don’t worry about it. You’ve spent all these years pretending to be something you’re not, this is your chance to take that first step into the public eye. And if anyone says anything? Fuck ‘em. Did any of them get into Ingleside?

VICTOR

Well, they might have, I don’t exactly talk to--

HENRY

No, they didn’t. So when graduation rolls around and we finally get to get out of that shithole, you’re never gonna have to worry about what any of them think of you ever again. 

VICTOR

...Elliot’s still got next year, though, people might--

HENRY

Name one time Elliot has ever given a shit about other people’s opinions. Look, maybe you don’t notice it, but… I see the way he looks at you. It’s the same way you look at him. You two are made for each other, everyone knows that. And I don’t think that the school knowing you’re a dude is going to change that. Plus, you spent $400 on this suit, you dumb rich bastard, I can’t in good faith let you waste that kind of money.

VICTOR

[He laughs] 

Good point.

HENRY

So, you feel good? Binder’s not too tight, you can breathe fine?

VICTOR

Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. [Beat.] Henry, you know you can come with us.

HENRY

Nah, I’ll meet up with you there.

VICTOR

Seriously, though… you can’t tell me that no one asked you.

HENRY

Well sure, people asked me. I just don’t care enough about prom to go with someone I don’t actually like just so I can say I have a date.

VICTOR

Okay, yeah, that makes sense. But… you didn’t ask anyone, either? There’s no one you were interested in going with?

HENRY

No one available. [Beat.] All right, it’s that time. I’ll see you guys there. You, go get your boyfriend.

[The recording ends, and we focus on the present day]

VICTOR

I know it’s cliche to say that night was one of the best of my life, but… it was. I still wasn’t out to my family, but that was the first time I started really accepting myself. It felt… genuine. Just Elliot, Henry, and… me. The real version of me, the one I’d hidden for most of my life. This is… the closest to that I’ve felt in a long time. I’m not going to say that I’m okay, that’s obviously not true. But… I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this close. Good things just… don’t happen to me anymore. I’ve spent almost a year waking up and having to force myself to look at the phone, half expecting to see a message telling me that he was gone. But he’s not. He’s back, and… and he doesn’t hate me.

WALTON

You still haven’t told me why you think he would hate you. It was a break-in, it wasn’t your fault.

VICTOR

I know, I just.… I need more time for that part. Right now, I’m just focused on the fact that he’s okay. 

WALTON

How’s his recovery going?

VICTOR

The doctors are surprised. He’s just about ready to move into a wheelchair, they figured he’d be bedridden for significantly longer. Honestly, I’m as shocked as they are. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was nothing short of a miracle. But then… maybe it’s just one of my….

WALTON

Experiences?

VICTOR

Sure, if that’s what you want to call it. You don’t have to pretend to believe any of that, by the way. I know you don’t. Still though, it’s safe to say that even with the strides he’s making, there are still going to be some… lasting difficulties. I mean, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that that sort of thing has all sorts of physical consequences, not to mention the head trauma--

[He cuts himself off. There is a beat of silence]

WALTON

Are you okay?

VICTOR

...What if I ruined his life? Henry, he-- he’s a genius, he really is. And a hockey star in high school and undergrad. Best power forward in Marksbury State history, some people’ve said. I can’t confirm that, I don’t know enough about sports to tell a good player from a bad one. Or what a power forward is. But what if all of that isn’t possible anymore? And he’s already delayed on getting his Ph.D now that he’s missed all this time, what if--

WALTON

We can’t always worry about the “What if”s, Victor. In situations where we can’t change the outcome, dwelling on potential negative circumstances can lead to unnecessary stress. And you and I both know you don’t need any more of that.

VICTOR

[He laughs a bit]

Yeah, that’s true. 

WALTON

Plus, disabilities aren’t the end of the world.

VICTOR

Yeah, good point. Still, though… he’s a good person, he deserves to have life be easy for him. And it hasn’t been, he’s had to fight every step of the way. I’ve tried to help him, but, [Laughs] Clerval is one stubborn son of a gun. It took five years before he’d let me buy him a soda. He’s always gotta  be the helper. I’m sure someone could psychoanalyze that, but it’s neither my specialty nor my business. So I choose not to. ...I guess I’m just worried about him. That when he does need help doing things he used to be able to do on his own-- And he will, I know that-- That he’s going to be… upset, I guess? Self-conscious is a better word, maybe. Henry was there for me during some of the worst times of my life, I just wanna do the same for him. I just don’t know how.

WALTON

I think you’ve already got the right idea. There’s not much that you can do for him right now. But you can be there. You've had a rough few years, but now you have physical proof that things can and will get better. Henry is back, and you have that new friend of yours, Christine--

VICTOR

I wouldn't call her a friend. She's… an acquaintance, if anything. I'm still not even sure I trust her.

WALTON

And why is that? 

VICTOR

I don’t know. I guess…. Look at the way things have been going for me lately. My brother and my boyfriend were murdered, and my best friend nearly was. You can see why that might make me a little hesitant to let someone new get close. No need to try and work that one out, it’s obvious. Plus, she…. [He pauses to find the words] She has an… ex… that I… don't get along with.

WALTON

Okay, so that's a lie.

VICTOR

It's not. It's just… complicated. I'm not…. I-- I'd rather leave it at that for now.

WALTON

Can you at least tell me this ex’s name?

VICTOR

...Erik. It-- [Beat.] His name is Erik.

WALTON

We’ll leave it there for today, we can talk about Christine and Erik when you’re ready. Did you do that worksheet I gave you?

VICTOR

Yes, and I complained the whole time.

WALTON

Even so, I’m glad it got done. So then, let’s see what you wrote down.

VICTOR

Right. [He clears his throat, sarcasm thick] “Positive traits about myself”. One: Genius. Obviously. Two: Able to drink three energy drinks and two cups of coffee within eight hours without throwing up. 

[Walton sighs]

VICTOR (Cont.)

Number three… Put on real pants on a day where I didn’t have to for work.

WALTON

That’s very good, actually.

VICTOR

Yeah, okay.

WALTON

I mean it. Victor, it’s not always going to be huge strides every day. Progress comes in stages. The little victories are just as important as the monumental ones.

VICTOR

...Right.

WALTON

What else have you got?

VICTOR

...That’s it. I know you said to put five, but I just couldn’t think of anything.

WALTON

That’s all right. Like I said, little victories. Why don’t we keep working on it for next week?

VICTOR

...Fine. 

WALTON

I do think you should try to keep in contact with Christine, too. The past is the past, and if she’s making an effort to connect with you, then there’s no harm in considering the possibility.

VICTOR

But what if she’s--

WALTON

Out to get you? You’re a smart man, Victor. How likely is it that this is all some ploy to get you, rather than her just wanting a friend? She’s new in town, and she’s probably just happy to see a familiar face. Who knows? Once Henry is out of the hospital, maybe all three of you could start spending time together. [Victor is silent] You don’t like the idea?

VICTOR

...No, I-- I just…. I mean, is that… right?

WALTON

What do you mean?

VICTOR

For… for pretty much our whole lives, it was…. It was just the three of us. Me, Henry, and-- And Elliot. Now Elliot is gone, and….

WALTON

You feel like letting Christine in would be replacing him. That’s understandable. But I can promise you, that’s not the case. You’re not replacing him, you’re moving on. You’re healing. And besides. Do you think he’d want you to be alone? Or would he rather you be happy, with people who care about you?

VICTOR

...Can I stop recording now, Dr. Walton?

WALTON

Of course. Do whatever you need to do.